4

August

Overheard in the Packers Locker Room Before Their First Practice…

Last season AllGreenBayPackers.com received an exclusive peak inside the Packers locker room before they faced the Minnesota Vikings in the Metrodome. Through tireless reporting and source development, we were granted access to the locker room on the first day of training camp last weekend. Here’s what went down.

All the Packers coaches are gathered in the locker room. Mike McCarthy arrives

McCarthy: When are the players supposed to get here? I thought everyone was so excited to have football back. Why are they not in here already?

Winston Moss: They’re all in the Hall of Fame down the street, staring at our Super Bowl trophy. I sent Capers to go get them. The players are frightened by his hair, so they’ll probably come running back here once they see him coming.

The locker room door opens and players start coming in. Rodgers has a perfect tan, and is accompanied by two beautiful young women – one blonde, one brunette – both with tattoos on their lower backs. Tom Crabtree walks headfirst into the wall because he was Tweeting instead of paying attention to where he was going. Ryan Pickett and Howard Green start punching each other over who gets to go through the post-practice buffet line first.

McCarthy: Didn’t we hire an ex CIA agent to spy on these guys and keep them in line during the lockout?

Moss: We actually hired the entire CIA. But Obama got wind of it and ordered his agents to abort the mission. Obama’s a Bears fan, ya know.

Players continue arriving. Josh Sitton hits Sam Shields in the neck with a baseball bat.

Shields: What was that for?!

Sitton: There was a giant ugly thing on your neck! I think it’s alive!

Shields: That’s my new tattoo, you idiot! It’s a giant Super Bowl ring! It went viral on the Interwebs!

McCarthy: Alright! Listen up! I’ve had it! Sitton put the bat down. Rodgers tell your, ahem, friends to wait outside. Pickett and Green, nothing but salads for you two. Crabtree, stop Tweeting.

Crabtree: But I’m leading a live-Tweetup on U-Stream in my Google+ circle through the iPad Nick Collins gave Alex Tallitsch called Watch Tom Watch the Packers Show up at Training Camp. It’s live on Cheesehead TV and Cheesehead Radio.

McCarthy takes Crabtree’s iPad, stomps it into a million pieces, then lights the pieces on fire.

McCarthy: I had two speeches prepared for you guys today. One was positive and uplifting, the other was full of screaming and yelling. Guess which one you’re getting?

Fellas, we won the Super Bowl last year. Nobody can take that away from us and we should be proud. But we also got beat by the Lions and came within a few yards of allowing an offensive lineman to return a kickoff for a touchdown.

I know we’re all enjoying everything that comes with winning the Super Bowl: the endorsements, the talk show appearances, the contract extensions and the feeling of security after winning the big prize. Let me tell you something, there is no such thing as security – for all of you and especially for me. You’ve all dealt with our general manager before. Do you think he’s happy winning one title then settling into fat and happy mode for the rest of his career? I don’t think so.

But Ted Thompson isn’t the reason we need to move past last season and focus on 2011. We need to focus because we have the opportunity to do something special. We have the opportunity to repeat as Super Bowl champions. We have the opportunity to become this decade’s great team. We have the opportunity to become the first non-cheating dynasty in the NFL since the Cowboys of the 90s.

I know we’re talented. I know we’re deep. I know we have a lot going for us. But so do the other teams. Fact is, in terms of talent, there isn’t much difference between 8-8 and Super Bowl champions in this league. The teams that are focused and determined eventually separate themselves. The rest go 8-8…or worse.

We were able to separate last year, but we came damn close to going the other direction. Lets not leave any doubt this year. Lets separate from the beginning. And lets not look back.

The locker room erupts in cheers and high-fives. Clay Matthews runs through a window and starts eating the glass shards. Mike Neal does 300 push-ups in 60 seconds. Scott Wells takes a couple of Bears fans hostage. Kevin Greene pile drives Matt Flynn for no apparent reason. Rodgers tells his two female friends to go fix him a sandwich because it’s time for him to go to work.

The players march out of the locker room and onto the practice field in unison. Standing on a mountain top overlooking the city of Green Bay, Ted Thompson smiles and slowly nods his head. Then he does the title belt.

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Adam Czech is a freelance reporter and a Packers fan living in the Twin Cities. Follow Adam on Twitter. Read more of Adam's writing on the Packers here.

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13 Responses to “Overheard in the Packers Locker Room Before Their First Practice…”

  1. aussiepacker says:

    Cool stuff man very well written.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

  2. Ron LC says:

    Beautiful Adam! In order to build such a magnificent satire their must be a grain of truth that is the building block. I vote for the AR’s female companionship.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  3. Tarynfor12 Tarynfor 12 says:

    I was truly able to invision the whole story.But TT seemed to be having a problem with the “Belt” as he was trying to take a sip of water also.

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  4. Mojo says:

    Did you overhear McCarthy tell Rodgers girlfriends to keep their pad levels up?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  5. Jersey Al Jersey Al says:

    Nice work Adam. Love the Crabtree part…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  6. [...] Some funny stuff here, Overheard in the Packers Locker Room Before Their First Practice… [...]

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  7. Chad Toporski Chad Toporski says:

    “We have the opportunity to become the first non-cheating dynasty in the NFL since the Cowboys of the 90s.”

    *snicker*

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  8. John Rehor John Rehor says:

    This is really good Adam. Loved it

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0