EXCLUSIVE: A Season Wrap-up News Conference from Packers GM Ted Thompson

Packers GM Ted Thompson.

Since Packers general manager Ted Thompson didn’t do a season-ending news conference to answer (or not really answer) the many questions fans had about roster decisions, we’ll do it for him and just make everything up.

The murmer from the assembled media quiets as Thompson enters the room and steps up to the podium. The Silver Fox appears to be as excited as he always is about speaking with the local press, which means he’s not excited whatsoever.

Tom Silverstein (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel): Ted, why didn’t you draft a safety or sign one in free agency? You had to know you were thin at the position, right?

Ted Thompson: I won a Super Bowl with Charlie Freaking Peprah playing safety. Shorthanded is a term used in hockey when a team is trying to kill a power play. It’s not a term used around here.

Jason Wilde (ESPN Milwaukee): Because of all the injuries your team suffers each season and many of the defensive draft picks not working out, yet, as you probably hoped they would, is it time for you to start using veteran free agency to fill holes on the roster?

TT: I don’t know, Jason. Ask my quarterback on that little radio show that you two do every week.

Rob Demovsky (ESPN): Are you comfortable going into next season with Dom Capers as defensive coordinator?

TT: For the most part. I’ve had my PR staff pushing out the “Dom’s defense is too complicated for young players to understand” narrative — kind of like Metallica’s “LuLu” album with Lou Reed went over everyone’s head. That seems to be taking a little bit of heat off of him.

Jersey Al Bracco (ALLGBP.com): What areas do Morgan Burnett and Brad Jones needs to improve on in order to live up to the contracts you gave them last offseason?

TT: If you can think of an area, they need to improve on it. Hey! You’re a blogger, aren’t you? Who let a f—ing blogger in here?! Get him out!

Mason Crosby enters the room, hits Jersey Al over the head with a steel chair, and drags him out of the room. “My mother warned me about this guy,” Crosby says before exiting with a knocked out Jersey Al draped over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. 

Wes Hodkiewicz (Green Bay Press Gazette): What happened to B.J. Raji’s play this season? Were you surprised that he didn’t accept your contract extension offer for $8 million per year?

TT: Raji was on the team this season? Coulda fooled me. I never noticed him. And what contract extension are you talking about? No way I offered Raji $8 million per year. Uh-uh. No way. Not me. Must’ve been someone else you’re thinking of.

Thompson begins whistling and looking up sheepishly at the ceiling.

Bob McGinn (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel): I was talking to scouts the other day about how soft the Packers are and they all talked about how the Packers are soft, the defense is soft, the offense is soft, the special teams are soft, you’re soft, the fans are soft, everything is soft, soft, soft. Do you think the Packers need to be less soft and how do you plan to fix the Packers softness this offseason?

TT: The Packers are not soft, they are smooth. Big difference.

Tom Oates (Wisconsin State Journal): Do you plan to sign Jarius Byrd to shore up the safety position?

TT: There is a better chance of me joining Twitter and live-Tweeting my draft board than there is of me signing Jarius Byrd.

Brian Carriveau (CheesheadTV): Why won’t your PR staff credential Cheesehead TV to cover games at Lambeau?

TT: Because the only blog I read is ALLGBP.com.

A Packers PR staffer looks annoyed and says the next question will be the last question.

Ed Werder (ESPN): Will the Packers retire Brett Favre’s number in 2014?

TT: We were going to retire it this year, but the way things went at QB, I was thiiiiiis close to calling the ‘ol Gunslinger and asking him if he wanted to suit back up one last time. And if you believe that, then you’ll actually believe that one day I will give a news conference where I actually tell you something.


Adam Czech is a freelance reporter and a Packers fan living in the Twin Cities. Follow Adam on Twitter. Read more of Adam's writing on the Packers here.


19 Responses to “EXCLUSIVE: A Season Wrap-up News Conference from Packers GM Ted Thompson”

  1. Bearmeat Bearmeat says:

    LOL. Well done Adam.

    TT – maybe you should take a good hard look at some of this humor here. The reason it’s funny is because some of it hits VERY close to home and the other half is patently ridiculous.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

    • Adam Czech says:

      Thanks Bear. I wish Ted would give an end-of-season presser. Even if he says nothing, it shows at least a little bit of accountability.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • Ed Schoenfeld says:

        It’s McCarthy’s job to talk about what happened in the games. TT’s season isn’t over yet. His presser, if he give’s one, is on March 3 after he names whatever tags he’s going to put on players.

        But great post, really. Charlie Freaking Peprah had me on the floor. I didn’t even know the guy had a middle name :-)

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  2. JimR_in_DC says:

    This is is welcome diversion. Well done, Adam!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  3. Archie says:

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

    Poorly-rated. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 14

  4. Savage57 says:

    When I started reading the “transcript” before the intro, for a minute there I just thought Ted was trotting out that winning personality of his once more.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  5. Jeffrey says:

    Skipped the intro and went right to the Q&A, half way thru I went to the Packers web site to see if the interview was there! Then after reading the comments I went back and read the intro. Boy you got me bad!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

    • Adam Czech says:

      Heh. That’s what you get for not reading the excellent posts here at ALLGBP.com from cover to cover.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  6. James David says:

    Adam has got to go. Let’s trade him to Oakland for Vic Talfur.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    • Adam Czech says:

      The only thing I would fetch in a trade is a player to be named later.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  7. Stroh says:

    Bout the dumbdst piece ever written for this site. Thanks for the COMPLETE waste of time and making us all dumber for having to read it. Step it up writers!!!

    Enlighted us or don’t waste our time!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

    • Adam Czech says:

      We are equally “enlighted” after reading your comment.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • Bearmeat Bearmeat says:

      Dude. Why are you such a jerk so much of the time? I’d hate to be a co-worker of yours.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • Stroh says:

        Call ‘em like I see em. Don’t care if you don’t like it. I read 2 Q and A’s and quit. Even that was a complete waste of time. Write something w/ merit or don’t write at all!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3

  8. palmda says:

    Great Stuff for Idiots and there are lots of them around. I can’t wait for next preseason so I can watch guys in Packer uniforms not trying to win again. Why do they even have veterans report to camp? So they can see how they fit in their Uniforms? Keep buying those tickets all you idiots and fill the stands to see nobodies play nobodies for no reason.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4