EXCLUSIVE: A Season Wrap-up News Conference from Packers GM Ted Thompson
Since Packers general manager Ted Thompson didn’t do a season-ending news conference to answer (or not really answer) the many questions fans had about roster decisions, we’ll do it for him and just make everything up.
The murmer from the assembled media quiets as Thompson enters the room and steps up to the podium. The Silver Fox appears to be as excited as he always is about speaking with the local press, which means he’s not excited whatsoever.
Tom Silverstein (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel): Ted, why didn’t you draft a safety or sign one in free agency? You had to know you were thin at the position, right?
Ted Thompson: I won a Super Bowl with Charlie Freaking Peprah playing safety. Shorthanded is a term used in hockey when a team is trying to kill a power play. It’s not a term used around here.
Jason Wilde (ESPN Milwaukee): Because of all the injuries your team suffers each season and many of the defensive draft picks not working out, yet, as you probably hoped they would, is it time for you to start using veteran free agency to fill holes on the roster?
TT: I don’t know, Jason. Ask my quarterback on that little radio show that you two do every week.
Rob Demovsky (ESPN): Are you comfortable going into next season with Dom Capers as defensive coordinator?
TT: For the most part. I’ve had my PR staff pushing out the “Dom’s defense is too complicated for young players to understand” narrative — kind of like Metallica’s “LuLu” album with Lou Reed went over everyone’s head. That seems to be taking a little bit of heat off of him.
Jersey Al Bracco (ALLGBP.com): What areas do Morgan Burnett and Brad Jones needs to improve on in order to live up to the contracts you gave them last offseason?
TT: If you can think of an area, they need to improve on it. Hey! You’re a blogger, aren’t you? Who let a f—ing blogger in here?! Get him out!
Mason Crosby enters the room, hits Jersey Al over the head with a steel chair, and drags him out of the room. “My mother warned me about this guy,” Crosby says before exiting with a knocked out Jersey Al draped over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
Wes Hodkiewicz (Green Bay Press Gazette): What happened to B.J. Raji’s play this season? Were you surprised that he didn’t accept your contract extension offer for $8 million per year?
TT: Raji was on the team this season? Coulda fooled me. I never noticed him. And what contract extension are you talking about? No way I offered Raji $8 million per year. Uh-uh. No way. Not me. Must’ve been someone else you’re thinking of.
Thompson begins whistling and looking up sheepishly at the ceiling.
Bob McGinn (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel): I was talking to scouts the other day about how soft the Packers are and they all talked about how the Packers are soft, the defense is soft, the offense is soft, the special teams are soft, you’re soft, the fans are soft, everything is soft, soft, soft. Do you think the Packers need to be less soft and how do you plan to fix the Packers softness this offseason?
TT: The Packers are not soft, they are smooth. Big difference.
Tom Oates (Wisconsin State Journal): Do you plan to sign Jarius Byrd to shore up the safety position?
TT: There is a better chance of me joining Twitter and live-Tweeting my draft board than there is of me signing Jarius Byrd.
Brian Carriveau (CheesheadTV): Why won’t your PR staff credential Cheesehead TV to cover games at Lambeau?
TT: Because the only blog I read is ALLGBP.com.
A Packers PR staffer looks annoyed and says the next question will be the last question.
Ed Werder (ESPN): Will the Packers retire Brett Favre’s number in 2014?
TT: We were going to retire it this year, but the way things went at QB, I was thiiiiiis close to calling the ‘ol Gunslinger and asking him if he wanted to suit back up one last time. And if you believe that, then you’ll actually believe that one day I will give a news conference where I actually tell you something.——————