The following is a transcript of a hidden camera conversation from Packers GM Ted Thompson’s office on the opening day of NFL free agency.
(Knock on the door. The Packers front office team enters Thompson’s office. Thompson is watching “True Detective” on his office television)
Thompson: Why did nobody tell me about this “True Detective” show before? This is amazing. I didn’t know Woody from Cheers was such a good actor. And how about Matthew McConaughey?! The guy can actually act when he keeps his shirt on. Yellow King?! I want to change our nickname from the Packers to the Yellow Kings!
Scout: Um, sir….we didn’t tell you about the show because you only allow us to watch film of college players nobody else has ever heard of. And free agency is now officially open.
Thompson: Shhhh! This episode is more intense than the last few minutes of Super Bowl XLV.
Scout: But sir, we’ve already lost Lamarr Houston and Arthur Jones. They’re off the market.
Thompson: Really? They signed like 7 seconds after free agency officially opened? That’s some quick negotiating. Because no NFL team would ever cheat and use the three-day window to talk to agents to actually work out a contract, right?
Thompson: How much did they go for?
Scout: Houston for $35 million to the Bears and Jones $30 million to the Colts.
Thompson: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That’s hilarious. No, seriously. How much did they sign for?
Scout: Sir, I was being serious.
Thompson: Dammit, you do this every year. You tell me who signed right after free agency opens and you make up some wild and silly number. Just tell me the real number.
Scout: But sir, that is the real number. I wasn’t kidding. Every year we have this same conversation 5 minutes after free agency opens.
Thompson: How about that other guy people want us to sign…what’s his name. Something to do with birds…
Scout: Jarius Byrd, sir. He signed with New Orleans for $54 million.
Thompson: I see. I can’t wait to see the headlines after the Super Bowl: “Jarius Byrd leads Saints to Super Bowl win.” Or maybe “Lamarr Houston makes people forget about the ’86 Bears.”
Scout: Sir, don’t you think we maybe should’ve gotten in on some of these signings? People are getting mad on Twitter.