Category Archives: Humor

8

January

Green Bay Packers Video 3-pack. Kids and Their Tantrums

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Jersey Al Bracco is the founder and editor of AllGreenBayPackers.com, and the co-founder of Packers Talk Radio Network. He can be heard as one of the Co-Hosts on Cheesehead Radio and is the Green Bay Packers Draft Analyst for Drafttek.com.

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24

December

A Green Bay Packers Christmas Wish List

I’ve always wondered what professional athletes put on their wish lists for Christmas, especially the ones with a large contract. After all, having millions or even just tens of thousands of dollars at your disposal can pretty much buy you whatever you want. Fortunately, I have managed to put my curiosity to rest this week.

Through some careful reconnaissance work, I was able to secure a sampling of items that various Green Bay Packers players and coaches have put on their Christmas lists this year. And in the spirit of giving, I have decided to share the findings with you.

So without any further ado, I present to you the 2011 Green Bay Packers Christmas Wish List:

Aaron Rodgers – “Defensive Cookbook: The NFL’s Top 10 Recipes For Stopping High-Powered Offenses”

Ryan Grant – 20 carries in a single game

James Starks – Black reflective sunglasses, a trenchcoat, and the red pill

Randall Cobb – Percy Harvin’s Playbook

Donald Driver – New publishing deal for a fourth book, “Quickie Wins His Second Championship”

Jordy Nelson – “White Men Can’t Jump” (DVD)

Jermichael Finley – Prototype for Mueller’s new brand of “Traceless Stickum”

Tom Crabtree – The Foo Fighters to get back together

Andrew Quarless – One more shot on Jared Allen

Ryan Taylor – Private lessons from LeRoy Butler on doing the Lambeau Leap

T.J. Lang – A comfortable athletic cup

Evan Dietrich-Smith – “Get In Their Heads: 99 Ways to Annoy Your Opponent”

B.J. Raji – An endorsement deal with Frigidaire

Howard Green – An endorsement deal with Omaha Steaks

Desmond Bishop – “101 Silly Chuck Norris Jokes” for NOOK

A.J. Hawk – Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” on original LP

D.J. Smith – Another growth spurt

Clay Matthews – Renewed subscription to GQ Magazine

Frank Zombo – A flowing Spanish cape, a flat-brimmed black sombrero cordobés, a black cowl sackcloth mask, and a shiny new rapier

Sam Shields – A tattoo artist that can count

Tramon Williams – Face Atlanta again in the playoffs

Charles Woodson – Roger Goodell to abolish the “Tuck Rule”

Mason Crosby – A roof for Lambeau Field

Tim Masthay – Adamantium claws

Mike McCarthy – A case of ice-cold Iron City Beer from the homeland

Dom Capers – Cullen Jenkins

19

September

Packers Living Out Their Own Groundhog Day, Over and Over Again.

Like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, Green Bay Packers’ head coach Mike McCarthy has been living the same game, over and over again.

1) Get a lead

2) Get conservative, keep opponent in the game.

3) Fail to get first downs to kill the clock in the latter part of the fourth quarter

4) Hand the ball back to your opponent with a chance to tie or win

5) Survive…  thanks to a big stop by the defense, often near your own end zone.

The Packers have lived out this scenario in both games so far in 2011. It’s also how they won four out of the last six games last season, including the Super Bowl.

But since the Packers’ Groundhog Day always ends the same way, (with a win) we shouldn’t be concerned, right?

Well, unlike Bill Murray, who tried like hell to get out of the loop he was stuck in, McCarthy seems resigned to let the scenario repeat indefinitely. Murray eventually found himself in the same position.

But then Murray tried a different approach, taking advantage of his knowledge of how the day will play out to try to make improvements to the day, helping to improve himself and all of those around him. Then eventually, the loop was broken.

So how about it Mike, why not use your knowledge of repeating history to your advantage? Make some changes in your “day” (game calls) when you get in those same situations next time. Perhaps you’ll break the loop.

I can assure you, Packer fans will appreciate it.

 

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Follow Jersey Al:


                    Add to Circleson Google+

Jersey Al Bracco is the founder and editor of AllGreenBayPackers.com, and the co-founder of Packers Talk Radio Network. He can be heard as one of the Co-Hosts on Cheesehead Radio and is the Green Bay Packers Draft Analyst for Drafttek.com.

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12

August

Packers Visit White House, Meet President Obama

Super Bowl champion quarterback Aaron Rodgers presents president Obama with a Green Bay Packers jersey.

President Obama (begrudgingly) welcomed the Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers to the White House South Lawn on Friday afternoon to congratulate the team and its fans for winning it all last season.

“You guys are coming to my house to rub it in,” said the president, a lifelong Chicago Bears fan. “What are you going to do, go to Ditka’s house next?”

After Charles Woodson presented Obama with an honorary share of Packers stock, the president tried to make a personnel move.

“If I’m a part owner, what I’m thinking is we should initiate a trade to send Rodgers down to the Bears. What do you think?”

Somewhere, Jay Cutler is crying.

But Packers fans are happy, really happy. I must admit, I did not plan to watch any of the ceremony because these types of things tend to be somewhat corny. I ended up having some free time just as the ceremony started so I tuned in.

I’m glad I did. It was a proud moment for the Packers and their fans. Obama (and his speech writers) also deserve a lot of credit for giving the ceremony an authentic feeling with the quips about the Bears and Packers rivalry, and for playing up the president’s heartache after the NFC championship game.

It was also nice to celebrate the Super Bowl win one last time. Now that the ring ceremony and presidential visit are out of the way, it’s time to focus on 2011. Hopefully the Packers return to the South Lawn sometime next year.

Update: Our friends over at CheeseheadTV.com have video of the ceremony.

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Adam Czech is a freelance reporter and a Packers fan living in the Twin Cities. Follow Adam on Twitter. Read more of Adam's writing on the Packers here.

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4

August

Overheard in the Packers Locker Room Before Their First Practice…

Last season AllGreenBayPackers.com received an exclusive peak inside the Packers locker room before they faced the Minnesota Vikings in the Metrodome. Through tireless reporting and source development, we were granted access to the locker room on the first day of training camp last weekend. Here’s what went down.

All the Packers coaches are gathered in the locker room. Mike McCarthy arrives

McCarthy: When are the players supposed to get here? I thought everyone was so excited to have football back. Why are they not in here already?

Winston Moss: They’re all in the Hall of Fame down the street, staring at our Super Bowl trophy. I sent Capers to go get them. The players are frightened by his hair, so they’ll probably come running back here once they see him coming.

The locker room door opens and players start coming in. Rodgers has a perfect tan, and is accompanied by two beautiful young women – one blonde, one brunette – both with tattoos on their lower backs. Tom Crabtree walks headfirst into the wall because he was Tweeting instead of paying attention to where he was going. Ryan Pickett and Howard Green start punching each other over who gets to go through the post-practice buffet line first.

McCarthy: Didn’t we hire an ex CIA agent to spy on these guys and keep them in line during the lockout?

Moss: We actually hired the entire CIA. But Obama got wind of it and ordered his agents to abort the mission. Obama’s a Bears fan, ya know.

Players continue arriving. Josh Sitton hits Sam Shields in the neck with a baseball bat.

Shields: What was that for?!

Sitton: There was a giant ugly thing on your neck! I think it’s alive!

Shields: That’s my new tattoo, you idiot! It’s a giant Super Bowl ring! It went viral on the Interwebs!

McCarthy: Alright! Listen up! I’ve had it! Sitton put the bat down. Rodgers tell your, ahem, friends to wait outside. Pickett and Green, nothing but salads for you two. Crabtree, stop Tweeting.

Crabtree: But I’m leading a live-Tweetup on U-Stream in my Google+ circle through the iPad Nick Collins gave Alex Tallitsch called Watch Tom Watch the Packers Show up at Training Camp. It’s live on Cheesehead TV and Cheesehead Radio.

McCarthy takes Crabtree’s iPad, stomps it into a million pieces, then lights the pieces on fire.

26

July

The NFL Lockout is Finally Over: What Roger Goodell was Really Thinking

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has to be feeling good about his sport as the NFL lockout ends.

Roger Goodell was asked today if there were any damages from the NFL lockout that need to be repaired. He said:

“Well, I would say from the Commissioner’s perspective, we know what we did to frustrate our fans over the last several months. They want football and our job is to give them football. We think that through a 10-year agreement here, we’ve secured the future of the game to ensure that pledge to bring great football to our fans. I think we have some work to do though to make sure they understand that we are sorry for the frustration we put them through over the last six months, but our commitment is to bring them better football going forward. I think we ought to make sure that we understand that our bond with our fans is probably the primary issue that all of us have to keep focused on, whether you’re a player, or you’re an owner or you’re the Commissioner.”

While Goodell was giving this beautifully crafted and politically correct answer, here’s what he was really thinking:

“Hell no there aren’t any damages! Are you freakin’ kidding me?! We’re the NFL, not the NBA, MLB or NHL. Twitter literally melted into a pile of social networking goo once the lockout ended? ESPN basically threw a party live on the air. The NFL Network is covering this news conference like someone just brokered a peace deal in the Middle East. Fans are more excited for the upcoming football season than for any other season in our league’s history.

And do you know why? Because this lockout forced everyone to skip the boring parts of the offseason. How great is it that we didn’t have to endure a summer of free-agent speculation or BS stories from minicamps about how this player or that player looks really good running around in shorts and a tank top? Wasn’t it nice not having to read about how Albert Haynesworth or some other criminal in shoulder pads appears “focused” this year and wants to “put the past behind him?” We even managed to keep Brett Favre quiet until I gave him the go-ahead to start his unretirement rumors on Saturday night.

22

July

NFL Lockout Update: Owners Ratify Proposal, Players Wonder What Just Happened

It’s 11 p.m. central time on Thursday night and I’m going to watch some Japanese wrestling and go to bed. Before doing that, however, I thought I would provide a quick summary on the NFL labor front for those of you that were smarter than me and chose to not pay attention to the kerfuffle that developed Thursday evening.

If you’re reading this in the morning, there’s a decent chance something else could have occurred overnight. You probably should check out Profootballtalk.com or follow Aaron Nagler on Twitter for the latest. Both of those guys will likely spend the night monitoring the situation instead of watching Japanese wrestling.

Here’s what went down:

  • The owners voted 31-0 to approve a 10-year labor deal and gave the players until Tuesday to reform as a union and accept it. The Oakland Raiders abstained from voting because they probably realize they will go 6-10 and could care less if there is a season or not.
  • The players said they never had a chance to review the proposal and accused the owners of trying to force a deal. Many people were expecting the players to vote on some sort of proposal Thursday, but they didn’t because the players claimed to not know for sure what exactly the owner’s passed.
  • ESPN’s Chris Mortenson reported around 10:45 p.m. that the players eventually received all the details of the owners proposal and a vote could come as early as Friday. Will a vote actually happen? Who knows.
  • My take: I think one of two things happened. 1) The owner’s got sick of the player’s dilly dallying around about re-certifying as a union and other less-significant issues delaying the process and decided to approve a proposal and force the players to act in a more timely fashion. 2) The owners made a last-minute power play.
  • My other take: I’m fairly confident this thing wraps up soon. Once the players calm down and actually review what the owners proposed, I can’t imagine it being so incredibly bad that it would derail the entire process. Sure the players are probably offended that the owner’s publicly put the ball in their court, but they’ll get over it (I hope).