16

March

Exclusive Ted Thompson Interview: “I Hate the Packers and Their Fans”

Ted Thompson

Packers GM Ted Thompson reveals his sinister truth in an exclusive interview.

We’re pretty excited here at Jersey Al’s AllGreenBayPackers.com today. Not only is the excitement of free agency in full swing, but we also managed to secure an exclusive interview with Packers GM Ted Thompson. In a shocking turn of events, he completely opened up about his free agency strategies, as well as revealed a truth we’ve never heard before.

We hope you enjoy reading it . . .

AllGreenBayPackers.com: Good afternoon. The start of free agency kicked off this week with teams scrambling to make deals and update their rosters. How busy have the Green Bay offices been these past few days?

Ted Thompson: You know, our philosophy with free agency has always been a “wait and see” approach. There’s no point in making crazy 24-hour or 48-hour offers, because then you just end up overpaying for guys. In fact, most of our front office staff is given time off this week, so it’s just me and a couple other guys in there right now.

ALLGBP: Wow. How do you manage everything so short-handed?

Thompson: Oh, it’s pretty easy, really. I take these days to sleep in and recuperate from our recent scouting travels. We don’t even open the offices until noon. My usual routine when I get there is to have some lunch, read the funny papers, and check Twitter for any updates on free agency. Pro Football Focus also has this really neat utility that tracks all the free agents – we love using it here.

ALLGBP: Umm, ok . . . So I’m guessing you’ve seen the news about Steven Jackson being signed by the Atlanta Falcons?

Thompson: He did? Well, I guess I must have missed that one.

ALLGBP: Weren’t the Packers interested in Jackson?

Thompson: We’re interested in keeping every free agent. Oh wait . . . I meant we’re interested in keeping all of our own players. But yes, I think we did put something out there about Steven Jackson. His agent Eugene Parker is such a close contact of ours, we wanted to do him a favor and drive up the price on Jackson. Plus, I hate the Packers and their fans. I love getting their hopes up on finally getting a running game, then crushing it to bits.

28

April

Packers GM Ted Thompson Found Alive – Again…

Packers GM Ted Thompson

Packers GM Ted Thompson targeted by radical fans?

The first two days of the 2012 NFL Draft have quickly unfolded and Packers’ GM Ted Thompson has fulfilled the wishes of most Packers fans by going defense, defense, defense. In press conferences at lambeau Field, Mr. Thompson has insisted these weren’t “need” picks, but I think we all know the truth (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more).

The similarities to the 2009 draft, with the trading up and the focus on defense and apparently, need, early on  reminded me of a fun little piece I wrote after that draft. I think it pretty much works again, so here it is, as originally written:

In an amazing development, the NFL has just revealed that a sleeper cell of radical Packer fans successfully pulled off a plot to kidnap Packers GM Ted Thompson before the NFL draft and replace him with a look-alike puppet.

Thompson was found this morning, bruised but otherwise unharmed, in a dumpster outside of a Holiday Inn in nearby Appleton, Wisconsin. Thompson had been drugged and woke up confused in the dumpster. His calls for help attracted the attention of hotel guests, who helped him out of the dumpster and untied him.

Upon being found, Thompson was quoted as asking what had happened in the NFL Draft. When told the Packers had drafted strictly at need positions, he fell to his knees and cried out “no wide receivers”?

Packer fans everywhere suddenly have an explanation for the strage events that took place this weekend. The Green Bay Packers drafted for need with every selection, ignoring the “best player available” mantra they normally espouse.

Yes, now it’s obvious. This was a draft for the fans, by the fans. It’s just not feasible that the real Ted Thompson would have ever drafted this way. No wide receivers? No quarterbacks? No trading down for more picks? Come on.

The extent of this plot is not yet known and we are left with many questions. How many fans were involved? Are other attacks in the works? Who crafted such a perfect look-alike puppet that nobody even noticed it wasn’t the real Ted?

These and other questions are still to be answered. In the meantime, while I don’t advocate or condone such actions, allow me to simply say “Thank You.”

24

December

A Green Bay Packers Christmas Wish List

I’ve always wondered what professional athletes put on their wish lists for Christmas, especially the ones with a large contract. After all, having millions or even just tens of thousands of dollars at your disposal can pretty much buy you whatever you want. Fortunately, I have managed to put my curiosity to rest this week.

Through some careful reconnaissance work, I was able to secure a sampling of items that various Green Bay Packers players and coaches have put on their Christmas lists this year. And in the spirit of giving, I have decided to share the findings with you.

So without any further ado, I present to you the 2011 Green Bay Packers Christmas Wish List:

Aaron Rodgers – “Defensive Cookbook: The NFL’s Top 10 Recipes For Stopping High-Powered Offenses”

Ryan Grant – 20 carries in a single game

James Starks – Black reflective sunglasses, a trenchcoat, and the red pill

Randall Cobb – Percy Harvin’s Playbook

Donald Driver – New publishing deal for a fourth book, “Quickie Wins His Second Championship”

Jordy Nelson – “White Men Can’t Jump” (DVD)

Jermichael Finley – Prototype for Mueller’s new brand of “Traceless Stickum”

Tom Crabtree – The Foo Fighters to get back together

Andrew Quarless – One more shot on Jared Allen

Ryan Taylor – Private lessons from LeRoy Butler on doing the Lambeau Leap

T.J. Lang – A comfortable athletic cup

Evan Dietrich-Smith – “Get In Their Heads: 99 Ways to Annoy Your Opponent”

B.J. Raji – An endorsement deal with Frigidaire

Howard Green – An endorsement deal with Omaha Steaks

Desmond Bishop – “101 Silly Chuck Norris Jokes” for NOOK

A.J. Hawk – Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” on original LP

D.J. Smith – Another growth spurt

Clay Matthews – Renewed subscription to GQ Magazine

Frank Zombo – A flowing Spanish cape, a flat-brimmed black sombrero cordobés, a black cowl sackcloth mask, and a shiny new rapier

Sam Shields – A tattoo artist that can count

Tramon Williams – Face Atlanta again in the playoffs

Charles Woodson – Roger Goodell to abolish the “Tuck Rule”

Mason Crosby – A roof for Lambeau Field

Tim Masthay – Adamantium claws

Mike McCarthy – A case of ice-cold Iron City Beer from the homeland

Dom Capers – Cullen Jenkins

4

August

Overheard in the Packers Locker Room Before Their First Practice…

Last season AllGreenBayPackers.com received an exclusive peak inside the Packers locker room before they faced the Minnesota Vikings in the Metrodome. Through tireless reporting and source development, we were granted access to the locker room on the first day of training camp last weekend. Here’s what went down.

All the Packers coaches are gathered in the locker room. Mike McCarthy arrives

McCarthy: When are the players supposed to get here? I thought everyone was so excited to have football back. Why are they not in here already?

Winston Moss: They’re all in the Hall of Fame down the street, staring at our Super Bowl trophy. I sent Capers to go get them. The players are frightened by his hair, so they’ll probably come running back here once they see him coming.

The locker room door opens and players start coming in. Rodgers has a perfect tan, and is accompanied by two beautiful young women – one blonde, one brunette – both with tattoos on their lower backs. Tom Crabtree walks headfirst into the wall because he was Tweeting instead of paying attention to where he was going. Ryan Pickett and Howard Green start punching each other over who gets to go through the post-practice buffet line first.

McCarthy: Didn’t we hire an ex CIA agent to spy on these guys and keep them in line during the lockout?

Moss: We actually hired the entire CIA. But Obama got wind of it and ordered his agents to abort the mission. Obama’s a Bears fan, ya know.

Players continue arriving. Josh Sitton hits Sam Shields in the neck with a baseball bat.

Shields: What was that for?!

Sitton: There was a giant ugly thing on your neck! I think it’s alive!

Shields: That’s my new tattoo, you idiot! It’s a giant Super Bowl ring! It went viral on the Interwebs!

McCarthy: Alright! Listen up! I’ve had it! Sitton put the bat down. Rodgers tell your, ahem, friends to wait outside. Pickett and Green, nothing but salads for you two. Crabtree, stop Tweeting.

Crabtree: But I’m leading a live-Tweetup on U-Stream in my Google+ circle through the iPad Nick Collins gave Alex Tallitsch called Watch Tom Watch the Packers Show up at Training Camp. It’s live on Cheesehead TV and Cheesehead Radio.

McCarthy takes Crabtree’s iPad, stomps it into a million pieces, then lights the pieces on fire.

10

May

WARNING! Brett Favre Virus Sweeping Across the Internet…

Computer Security experts today are warning the public of a nefarious computer worm that has infected millions of computers. Dubbed the “Brett Favre” virus, this nasty piece of malware spams your computer with false and exaggerated Brett Favre content.

Favre news stories, articles, videos, blog posts, board posts—everywhere you surf, this virus will inundate you with everything Brett Favre. Is Brett Favre retired? Will he come back to “stick it” to Ted Thompson?

Will he play for the Vikings? Is he meeting with Brad Childress? Is he mowing his lawn? Evidently this virus has conjured up thousands of topics regarding Brett Favre and spread these alleged “articles” throughout the Internet.
The virus is believed to have first been planted on several popular Internet sports sites. As unknowing fans visited these sites, they were infected with the worm, which then started generating Brett Favre content and posting it on web sites throughout the Internet. Within hours, there were over one million Brett Favre articles on the Internet.

This virus is also the first to use Twitter to help spread its payload. Twitter fans everywhere report getting flooded with tweets about Brett Favre, with some claiming to be from Brett Favre himself.

“Blew out a wheel on my tractor,” read one tweet. “If Ted Thompson comes down here, I’ll shoot him like I did that deer yesterday,” read another. These and other obvious fake tweets are being generated non-stop by this hard-working worm.

In an interview this morning, Ronald Wolf of the the organization called C.E.R.T. (Computer Emergency Response Team) said “This virus has built an army of zombie computers, all generating Brett Favre content at an alarming rate. It’s a dangerous situation and it’s wreaking havoc with web servers and computer networks everywhere.”

“Just go to any Internet sports site,” Wolf explained, “you will see nothing but Brett Favre news stories and articles. Could real people actually be writing so much about Brett Favre? No, it’s the work of these zombie computers.” Wolf went on to say he feels partially responsible, having identified and developed this particular virus in 1992.

Security experts at the top anti-virus companies are working around the clock looking for a way to stop this virus. One of the problems, they say, is that even when you think it’s gone away and seems to be dormant (“retired”, in computer-speak), it just comes right back.

26

April

This Just In – Packers GM Ted Thompson Found Alive… (HUMOR)

In an amazing development, the NFL has just revealed that a sleeper cell of radical Packer fans successfully pulled off a plot to kidnap Packers GM Ted Thompson before the NFL draft and replace him with a look-alike puppet.

Thompson was found this morning, bruised but otherwise unharmed, in a dumpster outside of a Holiday Inn in nearby Appleton, Wisconsin. Thompson had been drugged and woke up confused in the dumpster. His calls for help attracted the attention of hotel guests, who helped him out of the dumpster and untied him.

Upon being found, Thompson was quoted as asking what had happened in the NFL Draft. When told the Packers had drafted strictly at need positions, he fell to his knees and cried out “no wide receivers”?

Packer fans everywhere suddenly have an explanation for the strage events that took place this weekend. The Green Bay Packers drafted for need with every selection, ignoring the “best player available” mantra they normally espouse.

Yes, now it’s obvious. This was a draft for the fans, by the fans. It’s just not feasible that the real Ted Thompson would have ever drafted this way. No wide receivers? No quarterbacks? No trading down for more picks? Come on.

The extent of this plot is not yet known and we are left with many quations. How many fans were involved? Are other attacks in the works? Who crafted such a perfect look-alike puppet that nobody even noticed it wasn’t the real Ted?

These and other questions are still to be answered. In the meantime, while I don’t advocate or condone such actions, allow me to simply say “Thank You.”

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Jersey Al Bracco is the founder and editor of AllGreenBayPackers.com, and the co-founder of Packers Talk Radio Network. He can be heard as one of the Co-Hosts on Cheesehead Radio and is the Green Bay Packers Draft Analyst for Drafttek.com.

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